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My personal fantasy as President continues. I would introduce legislation that would turn America right side up again. All farm subsidies would be directed at family farms, not corporate farms. The subsidies would only be for catastrophic crop failure caused by anything except negligence. Banks would be instructed to loan farmers money at prioritzed rates that are NOT available to anyone else. My government will NOT pay farmers not to idle fields. Farmers would be encouraged to rotate land use. The surpluses that would result would be put on the world market at reduced prices for the world’s government to obtain to feed their people. Why would they have to pay anything, you ask? Simple: we now give our surplus food to some nations who turn around and sell it themselves instead of feeding their people, so why don’t we make the profit instead of some despot who won’t feed his/her people anyway. Not fair, you say? These “needy countries” can always find the money to buy weapons, so maybe if they had to spend it on food instead, there wouldn’t be so many ego wars?
The tax code would also be revised to stop “corporate welfare” and tax business on net profits. No more gimmicks or subsidies. You wouldn’t like the penalties that my administration would impose for cheating. Trade policies would be simple: “do unto us as you would like us to do unto you”! Screw us, and you can go sell somewhere else! Foreign policy? My Secretary of State, John “Tell it like it is” Bolton would carry a message to all those people who seem to think America has lost its strength and will. The message? ” Don’t Tread on Us”! Mr. Bolton would have explicit instructions that we do not dance with anyone who wants to lead, or who steps on our toes! For instance, to China: please keep North Korea, your stepchild, under control, or it will become the world’s largest parking lot between you and South Korea. Those little goose-stepping midgets (at least what would be left of them) would be given brooms and told to keep the place clean if they want to eat.
Iran, if they refused to listen to Mr. Bolten’s gentle persuasion about no nukes, would become the world’s biggest litter box. (America hates being lied to and played for a fool.) No more aid for any of the Middle Eastern countries that refuse to acknowledge Israel’s right to exist. Mr. Bolton would make it perfectly clear to all that if you screw with Israel, it will be the last time. No more aid to the Palestinians until the boys put their rockets away for good. Trust me people, our missles are meaner than yours. Mr. Bolton will tighten our alliances with those who are loyal to us. The United States will no longer play the world’s cop, but we will not allow encroachment on our national security interests either.
Anything that the Federal Government now does that could be safely and efficiently privatized, will be. All laws or regulations telling you, as adult Americans, what to eat; what to drink; which light bulbs to use; or what to think, say, or do, will be repealed within reason. No more money for studying shrimp on a treadmill, or studies to see if bees are gay, and anything else that might be a total waste of taxpayer money. Government scientists being paid to study this garbage will be reassigned to real jobs.
Our exploration of space will continue in partnership with private enterprise. My federal government will purchase equipment and train to use that equipment from countries that have the expertise that we need to clean up oil and other toxic spills in our oceans and waterways. Refineries will be licensed and built to insure that America will have plentiful energy for the next 300 years. My administration will ensure that the business climate in America will be the best in the world and that there are an abundance of jobs for everyone who wants one (and even some for those who don’t want to work.)
My administration will work diligently to instill in Americans pride of country once again. Hard work and perserverence will be rewarded, not condemned. Legitimate wealth will again be something that our children strive for and are proud to obtain. America’ technology and her skilled workforce wil once again make America one of the world’s leading manufacturing centers. No, we have not become so “enlightened” that we look down on manufacturing. Maybe I could figure out a way to make a law that says that you cannot be a professor or a politician unless you’ve worked a real job in your life? Maybe then we wouldn’t have so many snobs looking down their pristine noses at America’s working class and thinking themselves as so much superior? What a novel idea. (When you’re stuck out on the highway in your Lexus, the guy with the greasy shirt driving a tow truck looks pretty darn good to you, doesn’t he?)
Oh, one more thing. I want to encourage the American people to think about something. Why are you willing to pay people to entertain you (like sports stars, movies stars, television, and the like) but people who can save your life like doctors, nurses, police officers, and firefighters are usually shortchanged when it comes to salaries? How come we make up cards honoring those who have a talent for hitting a baseball, but nothing for those people who invent a cure for some of the world’s deadliest diseases or life-threatening conditions? Why complain about emergency room visits when we think nothing of spending $300 taking the kids to a baseball park (including $10 beers)? Just thought I’d ask.
I would hope that my administration could instill that spirit of unity that used to bind us together. We are all Americans first. Remember to vote in November, and have a very Happy 4th of July.
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